I have a friend. I've known him for a long time, since I could remember really. It's been so long that I can't remember when our relationship started.. Maybe it was before I was born. We grew up together, you see, I've seen him change so many times into the entity he is today.
I can't imagine life without him.
This friend is warm, he holds me tightly and suffocates me in his embrace. Squeezing me tighter as time goes by, not wanting to let me go. His love for me smothers me until I can no longer think. Enveloping my mouth with lust for me, my mind goes blank. He draws me into a deep sleep with him. Everything is dark, inviting and comfortable. I am not afraid. That is how our relationship is. It hurts a little but, not enough to complain. I hold it in.
I hold him in.
My family and friends say a relationship like ours is a dangerous one that should end immediately. They fear for me, they want him to stop. They try frantically to find ways to separate us. They wished I'd take it more seriously and honestly, I have. I've tried to stop him from going too far. I've placed barriers and I've even tried avoiding him. But, that seems to anger him. His touch becomes slightly dangerous. My cheeks swell. I have bit my own tongue. This is the first time I've felt this feeling, I am afraid. I don't want to make him mad,
I don't know if I can bear it.
As if to concrete himself in my mind, he visits more frequently. Every night now. "I shall never forget you so do not forget me", he wants to say. "I can never forget you or your touch", my heart cries out in reply as it squeezes in pain. I try to clutch my heart with my hand but his embrace tightens. It hurts! I do not scream out. Tears roll down my face. My mind goes blank. When I awaken he is gone. I feel the fatigue and aching of my body from our previous time together. Am I getting too old for this? Things might be getting too dangerous. He has become stronger,
I'm not sure if I can fight him.
He used to creep into my room late at night, I would spend the night in his embrace. But now he comes for me even during the day. He wishes for me to sleep with him in broad daylight, with everybody looking. Even following me to school. How embarrassing! THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND. I fear.
I know it will happen tonight. My sister stays up with me through the night, we will not go to sleep, we can not allow him to enter tonight. But, she is tired. "It's ok, no matter what we do he will come. We might as well embrace this fact." That's what I said but I have a plan, I plan to fight with my whole life. I am tired and he has arrived. I run to my father but his embrace is strong. "Sssshhhh", he holds his hand around my mouth and engulf me into his massive body, slowly drawing me in. I cannot speak. Deeper into the embrace, so inviting, I fear I might not be able to turn back. He has become so large. I feel my mind slipping. I jump, from the top of the stairs. Lets die together then. The lights in my head go out. I feel...nothing?
I awake in the hospital. I am alone. He does not come back after that. I fear, I am relieved. I fear, I am relieved too soon. I feel anxiety. Where are you.
I fear that unknown.
It hasn't always been that way. When we were young, he was only a nuisance dancing in front of me, causing distractions while I tried to take in the scenery of my new life. That is all he was. As time went on he became restless with the school bound me. When the attention he sought was not given, he would play pranks on me, making my hands shake uncontrollably. "First the left hand, now the right hand. Lets have them both shake together." He threatened to cause a scene in front of my new friends. I was embarrassed. He was so mean. I told my parents on him. They took us home so that they could deal with him in private. Only him, my father, could get him to stop. Daddy would calm me with meditation and song. Pining for my attention, he poke at my head. "Look at me", he said but I looked at daddy instead, using him as a drug.
Daddy was late from work. I was tired from the long day of helping out around the house and waiting for my drug. I sat down and closed my eyes only to see him, my friend, in my dream. Walking towards me with in this thick darkness, it is only he that I could make out. He has changed. So warm. I did not try to turn away. Why is this so inviting. I walked towards him as his large adult sized hands embraced my fresh adolescence face. He must have also reached puberty this summer. He have grown so much. With my thoughts on him, I go deeper into his embrace. I do not want to let go. This new sensation caught me off guard. I am not sure that we are suppose to be doing this. I try to back out but, he does not let go and I slowly find I do not mind. His face cover my lips and steal my breath away. I would not mind if this dream never end, I thought, but it is getting hard to breathe. I can not think straight...Mama!
After that we would embrace more and more. Once a week, every other night, we slowly closed the gab in time. Every night he would visit me. I was exhausted every morning. My family had become exhausted too. They worried for my health. I still could not tell my friends. But, it happened one day that he was too impatient and snuck up on me while I was walking down the stairs at school. My crush caught me, I was embarrassed beyond belief. My secret was out. He decided to use that opportunity to embrace me more often. Middle-schoolers can be so cruel.
This is how we ended up here now.
It has been years. I get used to being alone. I start to forget his warm embrace but I never forget the time we spent together. It seems you also have not forgotten. either. Who knew a simple dental procedure such as removing wisdom teeth could make him come running. He is loyal.
He appears smaller much like when I found out about his existence. Acting as if he is just learning how we be friends. "It is OK, we can take things slowly. Just promise me that this time you will not hurt me, again." He does not lie, it will sting a bit.
I can bear it.
His touch is more gentle. Or is it weaker. I might have grown stronger. That is what I say. In reality I know you are the same, I feel it but I make excuses so that you appear different in front of others. He is as aggressive as ever, maybe even more. I am impressed. He leaves me in a cold sweat. We fight throughout the night this way.
I will not give in.
I do not want to fear you. I want to be strong. I want to be stronger. I want to be the strong one. I want you to know that I control this relationship now, Seizure.
I will not fall asleep tonight.